Howl; Me, My Girlfriend, and Allen  By Peter Goodwin

I only really got to know Allen when my girlfriend lost her
mind, 

What a beautiful mind she had, soft and subtle, fluid and
resilient, brilliant and brittle, sensuous and seductive

Ambitious for perfection, ambitious for conquest, ambitious for
rapture 

Until she lost her mind

I had known Allen a while, read him a little but mostly I just
carried him around with me, I allowed him to do the talking for
me

While sitting in a lecture hall pretending to listen, eating the
whatever in the cafeteria, hanging out in a bar pretending to
drink

Allen and I shared a disdain for the petty bourgeois, the
predictable, the ordinary and the comfortable

She and Allen got on so well, I had to work hard to keep her
mind focused on me, reminding her that I was her main man

I was the one who desired her, I was the one who panted for her
and he did not
She wanted both of us, she wanted everything, she wanted no
limits, and then she lost her mind

Allen and I visited her on the top floor – the psychiatric floor
- of the hospital, usually at night

Through the grey and gloomy halls, the smell of dust and
desolation, the flickering overhead florescent lights. the
shadows, the quiet empty halls, the echoes of our loud steps,
and the slow and hesitant elevator to the top floor

Past the guardian of the floor, usually a large and imposing
woman who never smiled, who inspected us critically, especially
Allen

To a large room, filled with people who had no where to go, no
reason to go anywhere and no sense of time, who looked at us
with hungry eyes 

We stood surrounded by their sad sorrowful eyes, their hiccups,
moans, mutterings, their shuffling feet and flopping gowns

And eventually a nurse brought out my girlfriend who so
obviously did not belong

We sat–the three of us–on plastic cafeteria chairs, at a round
cafeteria table, and conversed

She rambles on about her mistreatment by the hospital, all the
crazy people screaming, the dull and tasteless food, her small
uncomfortable bed in her small pokey room, the nurses who would
not let her do what she wanted to do 

And my friends who were trying to seduce her, yes even now, they
were after her, they wanted her, and she trying to be a good
girl, she trying so hard to be a good girl, please her family,
please her professors, please me

She spoke in a quiet intense voice, not looking around, not
looking at Allen, just looking at me, her beautiful blue eyes,
her beautiful unblinking pale blue eyes latched onto mine, her
sweat vibrant voice now a monotone

She stops, in mid sentence, looking at me with such longing and
hope, as if she was waiting for me to put everything right, put
humpty dumpty back together again, collect all the pieces and
take her away

She looks around, her eyes darting into all the corners of this
large noisy room, takes my hand, come, she says, come, and she
pulls me away, leads me to her small room, closes the door and
kisses me

With all her being and strength she kisses me, with all her
anguish and fear she kisses me, with all her chaos and confusion
she kisses me, with all her loneliness and love she kisses me

She kisses me as if she was trying to merge our two bodies into
one, our two souls joined as one, merging our two psyches into
one healthy soul

There is nothing sexual in her kissing, I am getting no pleasure
from her kisses, I am overwhelmed and overawed by her kisses, I
have trouble breathing, my legs start to quiver and I push her
away, very gently do I push her away, for I feel that she is
about to explode

I start to read Allen to her, I want to howl, I don't want her
to howl, and the howl of Allen seems safe, yes amazingly the
howl of Allen sounds safe

I didn't stop to ask whether the howl of Allen is the right
therapy for someone who has lost her mind but that is what I
did, I poured Allen into her, the three of us sitting on her
small bed quietly howling together

The words of Allen milled her mind, caressed her body,
transported her away from her claustrophobic confinement, took
her mind away from the misery it created, to a space where words
had power and rhythm and created their own magic

Me and Allen became a frequent visitor at the hospital, it was
not as though Allen and I were inseparable, sometimes—quite
often— he got on my nerves, 

The truth was that I had smashed up my car and lost my license
and Allen had not
Allen had his car, Allen had his license, so of course he came
with me

The hospital complained about Allen, they said he was trouble,
he was a bad influence, he was unwashed, but they never banned
him, though I did keep him somewhat hidden

They even complained that I was a bad influence, they said that
after I left she was unmanageable, after I left she grew
violent, threw her food at the staff, threw her possession at
the wall and at the nurses and screamed obscenities at the
ceiling and at the doctors

But they never stopped me from visiting and when I visited she
was always sweet and gentle and loving

Always she was hungry to kiss me, sometimes I desired her
kisses, bathed in her kisses, other times I feared her kisses,
usually I feared her kisses, I feared she will swallow me, I
feared she will explode

Her room was now empty—her bed, her books, her papers, her
clothes, her bedside table had been banished to the hallway

She did not know why

When I visited she was excited to talk, as if an avalanche had
been released, collecting masses of debris on the way, rushing
madly downhill 

Telling of the terror she felt in this place, talking about
being a good girl, being a better girl once she was free, the
strange ugly people who bothered her, who would not leave her
alone

All the wonderful things she would do once she is free, all the
brilliant things she would do once she is free, and she loved
me, she loved me so much

Then she would stop talking, sometimes in mid sentence, the
thought, the energy, the focus fades, her eyes dart around the
room, her eyes fill with fear and her body starts to tremble

That is when I needed Allen

Allen calmed her down, Allen understood her, Allen knew her
anguish, Allen had been there before, he knew his way to hell
and back, 

Allen could sing for her and he could sing with her, but Allen
could not cure her
I could not cure her

It did not appear that the doctors—who seemed clueless—could
cure her either
I interviewed the doctors, the doctors interrogated me, we
parted unsatisfied and no wiser

I became frustrated and depressed and took refuge in Allen's
apartment, Allen always had the best shit

I feared I would follow my girlfriend into her weird world, I
started to think of her as a lost Alice fallen into a deep and
dank hole where light was a stranger

Four years of study and I had no skills to help my friend, four
years of study and I was just as ignorant when I first stepped
one tentative foot on campus, four years of study and I was a
useless lump

Now, I realized, I needed to solve practical problems, answer
questions I had not bothered to ask, and I had to do it alone

Allen could not help, poetry could not help, art could not help

Or perhaps it could

For my girlfriend did get better

Slowly, day by day, from visit to visit, without anybody
realizing it, without anyone knowing why or how, my girlfriend
gradually recovered her mind

She became less incoherent, less volatile, less nervous, more
settled, more focused
Her kisses became less intense

And more enjoyable
She started to draw
She started to create self portraits
Every time I visited she presented me with another self
portrait; with every visit the portrait changed

Violent impressionistic sweeps and gestures where her face was
obscured turned into childlike cartoons which evolved into
skillfully drawn faces, with subtle shadings that revealed mood
and context, and finally with eyes that sparkled

She was always happy to see me but no longer desperate to see me
Allen no longer visited with me, we did not miss him
We had normal conversations
Our relationship became predictable, ordinary and comfortable
And somewhat boring

Finally, her family emerged from the hinterland; and collected
her and took her back home to the hinterland, where they married
her off
I never heard from her again

Allen and I drifted apart
Years, years, years later I ran into Allen at a faculty
reception, sipping sherry and talking university gossip
I did not recognize him
When I did I wanted to howl
My girlfriend is dead.